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day one; may 31, 2012
breakfast: herbalife formula 1 shake
snacks: a plate of mix fruits
lunch: a 3/4 cup of rice, chicken thighs fried in 1 teaspoon of canola oil and a piece of tofu, a bowl of carrot soup
snacks: sunflower seed and a plate of mango
dinner: a bowl of carrot soup, chicken breast and 2 tofus.
in words: i felt good
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motherhood so far
it’s 5.30am. jaudan has just finished his milk and now sleeping next to me. i thought it’s nice to share how am i doing and how motherhood has been treating me.
i’m in love with my son. over the top and obsessed kind of love. i think he’s the cutest son ever lived. now that he’s finally here, i want to make sure that he receives he best of everything. i will make sure we provide more than enough for him. even though i don’t feel like going back to work sometime 1,5 months from now, i want to remember that i will be doing it for him, to be able to give to the family so we can give more to him. i want him to be happy even though it means taking my happiness a little bit because i know when he’s happy and content i will be too. i want to erase his fears and when he’s sick, i’d like myself to be sick instead of him. the love i feel for him is overwhelming and this is just the beginning of it and it will only get stronger and stronger and bigger and bigger.
being jaudan’s mother is wonderful. i want him for so long and now that he’s here i want to make sure i enjoy every bits of it. in the early days, i kinda feel annoyed having to feed him every now and then, but then i read this comments in babycenter’s forum and from then on, i never do again.
babies are just babies. they are tiny, helpless infants. they need constant reassurance and love. their needs don’t end just because you have something to do. they should be your number one priority.
do i nurse him? not directly. he spent 9 days in the nicu right after he was born for breathing problems ttn followed with pda. he was given the ivs and then was given formula though a tube. we tried giving him my milk through the tube but he was getting a bad reaction, some kind of food allergies from my milk. so the doctor put me on a no dairy no egg no nuts no seafood diet and then after three days we gave him my milk again and it was all good. because of our ‘parting’ circumstances, i got used of pumping and expressing my milk and giving him through a bottle. i feel no need to learn and get used of breast feeding the old fashioned way. i am okay with pumping 7 times a day and putting the milk in the small fridge i purposely bought to store the milk and warm them when he wants to drink. everyone kept saying that by this way i’ll ran out of milk soon but i have been reading exclusive pumping blogs and there were those who can still do it after one year plus. i’m confident that this can go for quite some time. my target is 3 months and i hope it can continue to over 6 months. i also hate it when people commented that through exclusive pumping i won’t feel the ‘connections’ or ‘bonding time’ between him and i. so far our bonding moments are just fine and those who commented can just shut their mouths off.
a few days ago i felt a rush of baby blues coming over me. we just went to the doctor the day before and everything was fine with him except for the rashes in his face which doctor said it’s normal. the doc told me to really carefully pay attention to what i eat. i’ve been doing the diet and was sad to learn that somehow he still got a reaction to it. everyone who knows me knows how hard the diet is to me; i am girl who used to drinking milk more than two times a day, can’t live without anything cheesy on it and likes to snack on stuff that got dairy in it; ice cream, donuts, everything. so being in this diet is REALLY hard for me and to learn that somehow i wasn’t doing it right broke my heart and made me feel like everything i do is not good enough. the feeling somehow drags on to being lonely even though it’s insane for me to be lonely with everyone surrounds me. i don’t know, it was just a rough couple of days for me with endless cryings. having a realy supportive family and husband got me through it all and i can say that i am back to my old self.
we went to jaudan’s pediatric cardiologist yesterday who performed an echo on him and confirmed that he no longer has pda. thank you god. she told us to come back in 5 months to check again, even though it’s unnecessary but just to make sure. today we will go to an eye doctor for his second round of rop screening; apparently newborns who were exposed to high level of oxygen right after they were born can get rop. we met with the eye doctor 3 weeks ago and said that everything looked fine and there were no sign of rop, but asked us to come back in 3 weeks time. i dread going to this appointment because it’s heartbreaking to see the doctor check on his eye and also because i’m afraid of the what ifs; what if he gets the rop? what if the stage he is in is high? what if the treatments are painful on him? a long lists of what ifs that i’m so terrified of.
but that is motherhood to me. i learn that being a mother you have to be strong as a steel in facing everything that comes your way. you have to be strong to face everything and accept it and deal with it and not show your children how you really feel. when you’re afraid of what can go wrong with your children you have to have faith that nothing will be wrong and everything will be okay. when you are actually afraid of the doctor who will examine your children you have to stand next to them and tell your child that it’s just a simple procedure and everything will be okay even though inside you are scared like sh*t. you have to be strong, that’s it, because if you are not who will hold the family together? people say that babies and mothers have a special connections that if you feel anxious your babies can feel it too and will feel the same. so that’s motherhood mostly to me, to hold it together and believe that everything will be okay and to be strong to face anything.
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jaudan is one month old today
time flies so fast. i can’t believe that it has been one month since jaudan’s arrival into our world. i feel that it has only been a less than a couple of weeks since we brought him home. our little champ is no longer a newborn, in fact he’ll most likely to outgrew his newborn diaper size soon and then he’ll be no longer a baby (sniffs)..
this whole month has been incredible. sure, there were lots of difficult nights when i feel that i didn’t know what he wanted and feel depressed because as his mother i felt bad not knowing how to soothe him, but having him in my life is more than wonderful. i love this little human being so much it hurts. i love that with his presence my life is forever changed. i love staring at him and looking at him sleep. i love listening to his cues and gurgles and all the funny little noise he makes. i love his chubby cheek and his sweet button nose. i love looking at him play with his papa. i love knowing that no matter what happen i will always be the first person he loves and kisses and that makes me feel like a million bucks.
jaudan being one month also means that i have my maternity leave less than two months left. and though the thought of going back to work feels like so unappealing right now, i plan to spend as much time as possible with this adorable little boy for 7 weeks to come.
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High Res
stephan and i are happy to welcome our baby into the world (and into our internet homepage), jaudan alvaro surja, born on april 18, 2012 at 9.12am with 3,190 weight and 48cm height.
with the birth of this wonderful little boy, we can say that our lives are complete. :)
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High Res
do you see a baby holding his nose? yep, that’s our baby. don’t you think he/she is gonna be a very cute baby?
we went for our 36th week appointment today. baby is now almost 2,9kg and looking really healthy. the doctor examined his/her organs and all are looking good. we scheduled our csection 2 weeks from now and booked it on the 18th. we then went to the hospital and made the reservation. it’s all very exciting! we’re just 2 weeks a way to finally meeting our little baby!
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High Res
exactly last year on april 2, stephan and i moved to our first house together, the house that we bought with our own sweat and tears.
let me tell you that living in your own house - just the two of you - is the best thing to do after you got married. you get to see what married life is really is and learn about your spouse and how to manage a house altogether. stephan and i used to say how lovely it is having our own house and why on earth we didn’t think about it sooner before.
while our house may be small, it is definitely warm and cozy. with a nursery that is ready for a baby hopefully this april, i’m sure the house would feel more alive. our house is not complete yet, the living room downstairs still need some furnitures and the guest room downstair needs an aircon, but we’re in no rush to hurry things up as we’re now focusing on the most important thing right now, preparing for the additional member of our family.
the house and us are ready for you, sweet baby.
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High Res
the baby crib and the changing table we ordered were delivered this afternoon. stephan immediately installed the crib as soon as we got home. here he is, posing proudly after sucessfully installled it. well the crib ain’t pottery barn, but we love it.
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High Res
we installed the curtain in the baby’s room this afternoon. the first step in decorating the nursery! baby crib and changing table are scheduled to arrive this weekend, i can’t wait!
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High Res
i’ve been thinking of ideas for a circus themed nursery for our baby’s room. i think the 4 elements of this photo really brings the theme out.
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heartbreaking
tonight, while eating sate padang in my car by the street vendors, i witnessed something heartbreaking.
there was a man with little girl. he was holding a big sack so i think he’s a trash scavenger. after a few minutes, i saw the little girl fell asleep next to him, sleeping on the pavement. the man was watching the cars passed by in front pf him while the little girl sleep peacefully. i was so sad for them. stephan gave him some money and i saw how he tried to woke the girl up, talking to her and putting his hand in his mouth mimicking ‘lets eat’. i told the sate padang guy to ask him what he wants, and came back bringing a plate for them and a bottle of mineral water. i saw him watching the little girl eats hungrily while rubbing her hair, and that was the moment when i couldn’t hold my tears.
it’s not fair for that little girl to be sleeping on a pavement, by the street, without a matress or even a pillow. ahe never asked for a life like that and yet she was born and raised with that situation. she may never live in a warm house, watch a television or play with barney dolls. the man surely didn’t ask for his life to turn this way, not being able to provide the basic needs for his family, for not having a home for his family to live in.
i once read this sentence: “If you have food in your refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world.” and then it struck me. here i am, have been living 30 years of my life living more than in a good condition, and i somehow seems to take what i have for granted, always wanting more, feeling what i have is not enough and worse, sometimes wanting what others have and feeling jealous of them. what i saw tonight was so sad and i hope it gives me a lesson for life: that if i always look up, i will never feel enough and grateful and that i have to always always look down to see how fortunate i am compared to those who have less than me.
one of my goal in 2012 is to simplify life. i hope God will always show me a way to be grateful and enjoy what life really has to offer: happiness, family, friends and devotion to God.
We live in Jakarta, Indonesia. Mea works in communications industry while Stephan works in a post production house. We have been married for almost three years and have been together for a total of eight years. We're madly in love with each other and can't live without one another.
We both love food and traveling, trying out new places in the city and laying low in our house.
We are currently pregnant with baby number two (we lost the first one while still 6 months pregnant) who hopefully will be here healthily in April 2012.
This blog is just a way to share the stories of our lives. Thanks for stopping by!
